Jesus, my sure refuge
The Lord has healed my wounds, just like a father.
I grew up in a family with serious marital problems. My father had no love for my mother and there was always an atmosphere of fear and psychological abuse at home. From a very young age, I felt responsible for everything – for my brothers and sisters, and for my mother, whom I always saw as submissive and suffering.
I remember always thinking, “When I grow up, I won’t be like that; I’ll have a man who loves me, a happy and peaceful family.”
I didn’t form a secure attachment with my parents; I was always looking after them, and I always felt I had to earn the love of others, which I needed so much.
I married my long-term boyfriend; we grew up together, had two children, and when another woman came along and he told me he no longer felt anything for me, it was absolutely devastating. I was working nights, with two young children, and I even had thoughts of ending it all; I felt completely unprotected, but I carried on, and this burden of pain and hurt remains buried deep inside me.
Then I met a man and began a secret affair with him, hurting many people and myself in the process. After a few years of this awful life, he left his wife, and I saw a glimmer of hope for redemption in my life. I threw myself into this relationship with everything I had: I wanted to rebuild a family with my children and my man.
Late in my pregnancy, I lost the baby I was expecting, another terrible blow that I felt was my fault, as if I didn’t deserve anything. Then life seemed to smile on me again; I found the courage, against the doctors’ advice, to have another pregnancy. Our daughter was born and a few years later we had a civil wedding.
My wounds and my pain lay dormant, locked away deep in my heart.
But at 50, my life comes to a sudden halt: I discover I have a mass and other complications. I stop working; the road to diagnosis is long and fraught with complications; there are fears it might be a nasty form of cancer; I experience the fear of dying in a very real way. The fear takes my breath away; sometimes I think of God but I tell myself, ‘Why on earth would He save me of all people?’
Nevertheless, I carried on in my own way, relying solely on my own strength.
During this time, I discovered by chance that my husband was cheating on me. It all came crashing down on me, along with issues from the past; it was all tied together by the same thread: you are not worthy of love; my father had never made me feel loved or protected; my first husband had abandoned me; and my second husband was the same story.
This was the future that lay before me: anger, pain, hatred, failure, fear; I could no longer believe in anything or anyone. Inner death.
I had no resources left; I felt like a handful of confetti thrown out of a window; I had built nothing.
I asked the Lord for help because I felt hopeless.
When I arrived at Cantonuovo, I knew the Lord only by hearsay. Learning to let Him guide my life was difficult… I heard that Jesus binds up broken hearts, heals our wounds, and forgives our sins, but I too had to learn to forgive my own sins and to love myself. This was not easy.
I had, and still have, such a thirst for Him, but I have fallen so many times. Yet the Lord has never let me go.
Without the brothers and sisters whom the Lord placed by my side, who always prayed for my healing and deliverance, I would never have made it. It is a journey, even though for a long time it felt as though I was standing still.
The Lord worked on my wounds at the right time for me, like a father; as my trust in Him grew stronger, little by little I was able to learn to place my secure trust in Him, I was able to forgive and I forgave myself, I left my sorrows with Him….
I thank God that I can be here today to bear witness to Him!!!
My husband and I, united in the Lord, have built our new home on the Rock; we have celebrated our true marriage with God, together with our community, and we continue to walk this path every day.
Thank you, Jesus, for hope and for peace.