I grew up in a family where Jesus was not only ignored but actually reviled with profanity by both my parents.
In this family, I never had a model of love, and when I was eight, my parents separated.
This caused a major existential crisis for me, to the extent that even at that age I began to wonder who I was and what the purpose of my existence was. Not only did I have no answers to these questions, but in my most difficult moments—when my feeling of not being loved was most acute—I thought there was no reason for my existence and that it would have been better never to have been born.
I had surrounded myself with toxic and insincere friends, and the result was that by the age of 11 I was drinking, smoking and swearing. At the same time, I continued to feel the need to turn to something, to values that would define me and give meaning to my life. Initially, I found them in extreme and violent political ideas, so much so that at the age of 13 I read Mein Kampf, before shifting my interest during my teenage years to the in-depth study of philosophy.
None of this, however, provided answers to my questions.
At the age of 14, I met my best friend and began spending time with her and her family, visiting their home every day. What was revolutionary and disarming for me was that, for the first time, I saw a new model of relationship based on love, and I soon realised that ‘normal’ was very different from what I had thought it to be. The love that filled their home was so strong that at times I found it hard to comprehend.
At that time, I had the opportunity to discuss profound topics, particularly with my friend’s father. He constantly shared his testimony of the Lord with me, spoke to me about the Bible, and recounted events that had happened to him and experiences he had lived through and witnessed with his own eyes, not least those of healing and deliverance.
In my heart I believed it, but I couldn’t bring myself to give in. I had mental barriers that prevented me from fully surrendering to this reality. Until one day, at the age of about 17, during one of the countless conversations we’d had on these topics, I don’t know why or how, but I felt myself letting go and yielding to this urge. For me, this meant believing deeply that what I felt was the truth.
At around the age of 18, I started attending Cantonuovo. It was something new, beautiful. I felt as though I were part of a family, a spiritual family.
Two years later, in 2013, I received the Holy Spirit through baptism, and that was also the year of trial. Having finished high school, which had been a protective shell for me, I found myself having to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. During those months, I was no longer speaking to my best friend – someone who had always been essential to me – because of a wrong I had done to her myself. My mother had kicked me out of the house for a number of reasons, and for the first time I was going to have to spend time abroad. I had lost all my bearings. I was panicking. The feeling of not understanding who I was was becoming more acute.
At the same time, however, I had one certainty: that, even though everything was going wrong, God was with me. He would not leave me alone. It was a certainty that did not come from me. It was deep and unshakeable. I held onto that trust until I finally reached the baptism in the Spirit, through which I decided to give my life to Jesus. Suddenly I felt so completely filled that I could not hold back the strange utterances in tongues that were coming out of me. I felt a strong sense of peace and comfort.
From that moment on, I began a course of study which I successfully completed. The Holy Spirit continued to cultivate in me the values of Jesus, which also became my own.
Today I can bear witness not only to knowing who I am and what I am doing here, but also and above all to being loved. From having a family I considered inadequate, I now find myself with three: a biological one, which I have learnt to accept, an ‘adoptive’ one, and a spiritual one.
The Lord constantly makes me feel his love. I want to thank Jesus for what he has given me: for revealing himself to me and for placing wonderful people in my path who have loved me unconditionally, to the point of making me feel the desire to pour out on others the love and help that I have received freely.